My Chemical Miscarriage Story | Mother Rising
I'm so nervous to write about this.
Break the Silence
Despite the fact that I write on a blog about birth, I really am a private person.
BUT, I really think pregnancy loss needs to be talked about in a normal birth blog - not just blogs or forums dedicated to loss.
Pregnancy loss is so common, and yet kept silent. So, I am mustering up the courage today to tell my story of one of my losses - My Chemical Miscarriage.
My Chemical Miscarriage Story
A Red Flag
Nine months or so before I got pregnant with Gabriel I was having a wonky long period and my temperature never fell below my coverline (I chart my fertility and use the Fertility Awareness Method aka FAM). For me, this was a red flag that something odd was going on.
For the non-charters, this would just be construed as a longer period, but nothing more.
However, I know my body SO well after learning FAM that I instantly knew that I should probably take a pregnancy test to at least rule that out.
I took the test, and it was positive.
My First Time
This was the first time I had ever been pregnant and I really didn't know what to do. Should I call my OB?
I knew something was wrong, but would they be able to figure out what was wrong and fix it? After talking with a friend, I decided that I needed to make an appointment at my OB's office.
When I called them, they blew me off that spotting/bleeding was not uncommon in pregnancy and that I shouldn't worry. I got a little bit pushy, and then they let me make an appointment for the next day.
It helps to be pushy in these circumstances.
Threatened Miscarriage Advice
Before I went to my appointment, the only advice I was following was to put my feet up and drink water. And so I drank my body weight in water so I could save this pregnancy.
I drank so much water that when I went to my doctor's appointment my urine was so diluted that the test was negative.
The midwife looked at me like I was crazy (I probably imagined this, as I was feeling very awkward even telling someone I was pregnant. Now they'll know that I had sex! The horror!), but I insisted that I had indeed seen a positive test, I was spotting and that something was wrong.
Bloodwork
The midwife ordered some blood work to be done (an HCG quant) to get a quantitative result, instead of a qualitative. The results came back super low.
The next HCG quant I had done a day or two later was not higher, but even lower.
I had indeed been pregnant and had miscarried. They told me that this was called a chemical pregnancy or a chemical miscarriage.
Chemical Miscarriage Emotions
Emotionally, I had a hard time knowing what I should be feeling, thinking or even doing.
Should I feel sad?
I only had a day or two that I knew I was pregnant... and the whole time I knew something was wrong.
Was there really a baby there? Or was it some weirdo chemical thing?
I chose to believe baby. And I chose to feel a little bit sad.
But on the flip side, I was a tad excited because I knew that my husband and I had the ability to get pregnant.
Chemical Miscarriage Bleeding
I sat around in bed for a day or two, and felt sorry for myself. I let myself be really emotional and hormonal and Matt had no idea what to do with me. It was almost comical!
After that, I decided to pick myself up off the floor and pull it together as I was being a tad over-melodramatic.
As my drama was unfolding, my bleeding got heavier, but not too bad.
I don't remember passing lots of clots or anything and the cramping wasn't anything abnormal. I think I would describe it more like the period that never ended.
Soon, I stopped bleeding and then after that my cycles went back to normal. I took another pregnancy test with undiluted urine and this time it was definitely negative.
If I hadn't been charting, I would never have known that I was pregnant. And I'm so glad that I know because I believe I have a child in heaven waiting for me. One day, I get to hold my babe. And I can't wait!
I hope this was helpful.
~Lindsey
Lindsey, thanks for sharing. Many women leave those pregnancies out when collecting their OB history. They need to be acknowledged.
Hey thanks! I have another story to share too.
Good to share and sad that you have another story... Love you friend.
I wish more people were open about this. Thank you for sharing your story.
Chemical pregnancies are the worst. It's like your mind and your body are playing tricks on you and you think you are insane! I think it can be harder to deal with than a cut and dry miscarriage. I felt betrayed by my body. Like it's one thing to miscarry, but don't f*ck with my mind with the conflicting pregnancy tests. I agree, thank God for charting.
You really think having a chemical pregnancy is worst than a miscarriage? How about a late term miscarriage.....or a stillbirth like I had. Sorry....NOTHING compares.
Stephanie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having gone through what you did. My heart is heavy for you. There is nothing worse than losing a child. 🙁
Thank you Lindsey.
@Stephanie, its not a debate about which way a woman loses their child is worst than the other.
Nor it should be an argument of who’s story the worst.
Overall it is everyone’s nightmare to lose their child. No matter how.
Thanks for being brave enough to share this story. May God bless this sharing. I have thought often of you and have been praying. My heart still hurts by the way, even two babies later. I had an experience today that lead to me reliving my miscarriage and that was a tough memory! Thanks for listening when I shared my story with you!
I hope all women have someone who listens when they share their stories.
I found this blog entry while googling. Im going through this right now. I was charting and when my temps didn't fall despite a period I took a test to rule it out, and it turned positive. Such a cruel joke the body plays on the mind. Thank you for your openness regarding the topic.
I never knew there was a name for it. I've been told by people that it was so early of a miscarriage that it don't count. So mean. I've had 3 chemical miscarriages baby#1, baby #2, 12 week miscarriage, baby#3 and just had chemical miscarriage #4. This past time I'm nursing my son still no period but I felt 100%pregant for 2 months b4 I got blood work to confirm. Then spotted. I know how u feel. Thank-you for sharing
Thank you for posting your experience. My daughter experienced a chemical miscarriage several years ago. We both struggled with it, because there was nothing with which to remember this little one! No matter how tiny he or she was, she was my girl's baby and my grand baby. I needed a remembrance, but there were no pictures, ultrasound photos, or footprints. Not a birth certificate, or even a death certificate.
I finally purchased the set of twin baby figurines by Willow Tree. I gave one to my daughter, and i kept the other. That is my remembrance of the grandchild we lost. I often wonder if it was a boy or girl, or what his or her name would be. We'll meet in heaven, someday.
That happened to me too I was told to consider it a blessing and a sign that it's not the time. So sorry for your loss
Hello. Thank you for this. I am 34 and just recently married my husband who I have waited so long to meet, marry, and start having children. I am also a labor and delivery nurse of 12 years. This past Saturday I had my first ever positive pregnancy test. I was so excited and told all of our family. Within 3 hours I started to bleed. I worked that night and the doctors drew a test on me the next morning. By then the bleeding had increased and I noticed little blood clots and knew something was wrong but yet held on to hope. When the results came back, my hcg was extremely low and then concluded that this was a chemical pregnancy. I have been so disappointed but your blog was exactly what I needed and thank you for that.
Thank you SO ever much for sharing this story! It’s comforting I’m not alone. I’m 40 never had a positive pregnancy test and I have severe endometriosis. I had the robotic lap for endo 1 month ago and 3 days ago I had a positive at home pregnancy test (I had 4 positive test) Called my dr and my blood test HCG Level was a 7 (5 is considered a positive pregnancy). Yay...right?!? Today, I started my cycle—-the worst cycle EVER! I was told it’s probably a chemical pregnancy...I came across this article and I realize that it’s a miscarriage too.
Thank you again!!
Thank you for sharing this, I am currently going through this found out Sunday I was pregnant and then the ultrasound yesterday they found nothing and my levels have dropped. This was not a planned pregnancy I had an IUD in part of me thinks I shouldn’t be sad I should just go on with life but I can’t stop crying thank you for making me know I am not alone.
I'm sorry for your loss. Even if you weren't planning on it, it's perfectly understandable to have lots of different emotions. Even contradicting ones! You are definitely not alone.
Can I ask what your HcG number was initially? I think I may be going through the same thing. I had my first bloodwork done 2 days ago and my Hcg was 10. I go back today for follow up. I was getting faint lines on the pink dye line tests, but negative on the digital tests, which prompted me to call my OB. I haven't had any bleeding (yet), but I'm not feeling hopeful this month. I have a lot of pregnancy symptoms and we have been trying for a few months now. I'm really hoping it comes back as good news, but I took another digital test this morning and it still says negative, so I'm not getting my hopes up.